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I really was programmed into thinking that that was part of how to succeed.” With an absent father after her parents divorced when she was five, and a rocky relationship with her mother and stepfather, she had no shield. This left her feeling that being sexualised “was what one of my strengths had to be. And there are so many female singers that will hear me saying that and say: ‘Yeah, I can relate.’” My whole career started off with instantly being made to feel like a sexual object, and being made to feel vulnerable in those sessions. Other sessions would have alcohol and it would get to a point where the man would say something suggestive and I’d feel uncomfortable. I’d have to laugh it off – I constantly had to laugh things off. “I wouldn’t be able to get home because I couldn’t afford it, and they would say: ‘You can stay.’ But there would always be the suggestion of something. “And I was like, why? I didn’t see myself as an object of desire.” He and others preyed upon her vulnerability as a 19-year-old keen to make it. “The first producer I met wanted to sleep with me,” she says. She says she was foolish not to ally herself with the #MeToo movement earlier – “I was a bit too scared, I thought maybe I would be judged” – because she had those experiences, too. Meetings with other producers weren’t so charmed. A Brit award and a No 1 debut album in 2010 quickly followed as the industry’s gears whirred excitedly into motion. She had a “brother and sister” connection with Starsmith, and the combination of his electronic production and her songs, sung with that uniquely sweet-yet-careworn voice, won her a major label deal. I have to sometimes pretend.” But “music chose me”, she says, and she started “playing guitar manically every night, writing manically”, going to open mic nights, putting her songs on MySpace and messaging producers to help bring them to fruition. “I don’t know if that ever really goes away. “Singing seemed to be a way for me to have confidence while not being confident,” she says. Photograph: John Rainford/GC ImagesĪfter growing up in a council house in a Herefordshire village, Goulding initially wanted to act and studied drama, “but I was painfully shy”, so she became a huge pop star. Goulding and Caspar Jopling on their wedding day in York in 2019.
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